Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize