You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
