I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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