I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
