Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
