Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
