I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
