even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
