My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
