i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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