her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize