in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
