so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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