he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
