Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
