mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
