Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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