So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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