If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
