I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Randomize
