Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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