i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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