he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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