girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
