Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
