yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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