Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
