my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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