I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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