Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
