The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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