It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
