i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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