Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
