My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
What a dumb baby whore.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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