I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
two words...techno handjob
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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