also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
