this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
