apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Randomize
