Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize