yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize