can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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