I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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