The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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