Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
