You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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