Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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