You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
