Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I would ride that face into the sunset
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
