U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
