someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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