i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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