Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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