stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
