Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
