Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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