You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
