tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
