Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
