Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize