I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
