I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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