I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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