Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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