I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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